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The Season's Greetings Statute of Limitations and Lethal Enforcement Act
I have an issues of the utmost importance that I feel that I must take action on. If fact it is my patriotic duty as an American to see it through. Later on this week I am going to be drafting legislation called the Season's Greetings Statute of Limitations and Lethal Enforcement Act or SGSLLE.
What this legislation will do is restrict the display of Christmas, Hanukka , Winter Solstice, New Years, and Kwanzaa merchandise until the day after Thanksgiving at the stroke of midnight and until the ball drops on New Years Eve.
Anyone and any store caught displaying Winter Holiday merchandise before Thanksgiving will be issued a warning and face fines. Those repeat violators and those who have the balls to display holiday merchandise BEFORE Halloween will be shot on site!
I will be sending this legislation to my senators and congressman and I urge you to do the same. Together we can beat this holiday merchandising infused fascism.
I love Christmas as much as the next guy but we do not have to live one fourth of the year with Saint Nick Ho Ho Hoing up our asses. Please think of the children!
Jake at November 17, 2003 
Rants
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Comments
"We only get 30 sweet noggy days. Then the government takes it away from us."
Posted by: Matt at November 17, 2003 10:14 AM
Preach on!
Now all we have to do is add it as a rider to the "Flags for Orphans" bill...
Posted by: Chris at November 17, 2003 10:22 AM
Amen.
Posted by: Nathe at November 17, 2003 3:08 PM
As someone who is somewhat of a retail goddess, I can tell you that this seeming "annoyance" to you, means money in a lot of people's pockets. A lot.. and I mean A LOT of Holiday shopping is done prior to Thanksgiving. Between Thanksgiving and Christmas Eve there is a rush for those last minute shoppers. If we don't start advertising end of October- beginning of November.. we miss a lot of cash because people aren't knowingly looking for Christmas stuff. If you tell them it is Christmas, they will spend. I have made a lot of money off of stores pushing Christmas Pre Thanksgiving.
So I say... Screw SGSLLE! Put up with Santa arriving a little bit early. Deal with Christmas trees and snowflakes. Embrace the Holiday Season for Christ's sake. Be Christmas. Live, eat, and breathe fuckin' Christmas. Drink some eggnog, eat some fruitcake, put up your tree before Thanksgiving. SHIT! Don't even take it down from year to year. Wear your hideous embroidered holiday sweatshirts in March. Give people presents all year long. Sing those silly carols in June.
I'm gonna draft my own legislation. Christmas All Year, Every Year, CAYEY. Making it mandatory that Jake Metcalf keep a Christmas tree in his house 365 days a year. And that his answering machine message be Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer sung by the starving children of Belize. And he has to wear a Santa hat while he's driving. And the balcony at his apartment is to have a 6 foot tall nativity scene lit by floodlights.
So take that Mr. Metcalf. Christmas is here. Santa is "Ho-Ho-Hoing his way up your ass". Him and all 7 of those damned deer.
Posted by: Anna at November 17, 2003 4:33 PM
The other reindeer was home sick with the flu.
Posted by: Anna at November 17, 2003 4:51 PM
Well actually you can drink Eggnog all year round if you know how to make it.
Posted by: Jake at November 17, 2003 9:25 PM
I agree with you 150-200%! Of course, when I drive home from work, I'm still looking at Halloween decorations.
Posted by: Dusty Roadz at November 18, 2003 1:05 PM
