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Review: Deadly Towers - Q's NES Review
Here it is, the one everyone"s been clamoring for, my glowing review for the all-time favorite and classic NES game, Deadly Towers. Ugh. Sarcasm aside, let me be simple first: this game SUCKS. Other games are remembered for their good parts and as being classics. Deadly Towers has no good parts. Quite on the contrary, it is legendary in its ineptness, its sheer mediocrity nearly ruptured the time-space continuum and collapsed the universe. How anyone making this game ever looked upon it and said, "Yep, it looks great! Let"s publish it!" will forever be a mystery to me. More likely is the theory that it was simply thrown together during the NES"s heyday to make a quick buck. I"m quite sure the company that produced this game is long gone, which, if all their titles were of the same quality as Deadly Towers, is a blessing upon us all.
So, what exactly is so bad about Deadly Towers? Hmm, where to begin. What saddens me about this game is that I see potential in it. This is meant to be an action/adventure RPG in the same style as Zelda or Ys. But I guess it"s all in the execution. First of all, there"s the story. The story is thus: Prince Myer is sitting by a lake when he sees an apparition, which tells him that an evil demon is going to conquer his kingdom, unless he goes and destroys the seven(or eight? six? who cares) deadly towers the demon has built. Prince Myer tells the king, the king believes in prophecies, and sends Myer to fulfill it. That"s it. Then you"re on your own. Why didn"t the king send some of his merry men along with Myer to assist? Why not use flaming catapults on the towers? Because this is a video game, silly, and that"s how video game stories work.
Now that you have your motivation, you are thrown into the first ghastly stage of Deadly Towers. Prince Myer, materializes in the tower with a bubbly sound. This is never explained, like many other things in this game. This hero, who looks like the Pillsbury doughboy in a diving suit with horns, shuffles slowly around the pseudo-3D rooms in eight different directions. Being able to move in eight directions was rare in those days, and one of the only things this game had going for it. His weapon is unintentionally funny, as he fires daggers from his crotch to take down his wily foes. Now the foes..Here"s where things get weird. Every room is full of the most bizarre and boring nondescript "monsters" I have ever seen. There are the beach balls, large blue balls that mysteriously float up and down, and somehow cause massive injury to Prince Myer. Then there are the puddles, plain blue splotches that hang around and creep toward you. And don"t forget the slinkies! Yes, more blue splotches that move exactly like slinkies, are also out to get you!! This game also includes the "greased lightning" monsters. Some are bats, some are balls of fire, and some are just floating clusters of dots(?) that come shooting at you from offscreen at about 500 miles an hour. Considering Prince Myer moves about as fast as a turtle with a broken leg swimming through molasses, dodging these enemies can be a problem. Compounding this is the fact that getting hit causes you to lose control and spiral to your death off a cliff, ot into other clusters of enemies. In such a case you will bounce between monsters continually until you happen to be flung into an enemy-free area, which is very rare. Add to that the fact that many of these enemies cause insane amounts of damage, and you"ve got a frustrating game. A beach ball, for example, takes off 76 points of life(you start with 100). Restoring life is no easy feat, since you must kill many enemies to find one heart, which will restore 10 points of life. Fighting back is nearly impossible too. If you miss with one of your crotch-daggers, which is easy since many enemies move so fast, you must wait, patiently, for the dagger to crawl all the way to the edge of the screen and disappear before you can fire another one, which will probably miss too. The only effective way to combat an enemy is to get your groin right up next to him and mash the fire button. That, too, is tough when you"re being attacked from multiple angles by the greased lightning gang and Myer is moving at his brisk slug-pace. And just when you think you"ve got it mastered, you"ll walk through a door, and find yourself in the center of a swarm of enemies in the new room. Poor Myer never had a chance.
Still, there are a few moments that remind you that this could have been a good game. Medieval-themed games are usually fun, and there are lots of areas to explore, inside and out. You find items that increase your life capacity, enemies drop money which can then be used to buy items from merchants, and apparently you can upgrade your sword too. There is also a password feature to save your progress for later. But you forget about it real quick when you get nailed by one lighting-fast cluster of dots that knocks you into a group of beach balls and you die(Prince Myer disappearing with bubbly sound effects) and you"re back at the title screen.
So yes, the control blows and the fun factor is non-existent. What about the graphics and sounds? In case you haven"t deduced it from my description of Prince Myer and the "monsters," the graphics are horrible. I could draw more interesting stuff with my toes in my sleep. For one thing, practically all the rooms look the same. The same cheap brick pattern on the walls, the same cruddy sand pattern on the floor. In the very first room there"s a scary face above the door. It"s lame, but at least it"s something. That"s about the only visual flare I can recall, unless you count the little dot of reflected light on the beach balls. The sound isn"t much better. Some NES games had great music; Deadly Towers wasn"t one of them. There are several different tunes, but I swear it"s all the same seven notes arranged in a different order. The sound effects are basically nondescript bleeps and blips, with the exception of the WONDERFUL bubbly sound we get when Prince Myer mysteriously appears or dies.
And now, since I believe I have touched on all important aspects of Deadly Towers, I will suggest uses for it in case you should ever happen upon a copy.
1) Coaster for your drink
2) Replace a missing shingle on your roof
3) Use it to support the leg of a coffee table
4) Smash it with a hammer and try to put the pieces back together, it"s like a jigsaw puzzle and more fun than the game itself
5) Cover a hole in the floor or sidewalk
6) Pooper scooper for your dog Rover
7) Sinker for your fishing pole
8) Melt the plastic down and mold it into a sculpture of Randy Savage.
Interestingly enough, this was one of the first video games I ever rented. Even back then I never got beyond the first few rooms before declaring the game sucky and turning my attention to other things. I suggest you do the same. Perhaps in the future I will review something I actually like. But hateful reviews are so much more fun to read, are they not?
BBQ at June 20, 2002 
Reviews
Comments
Awesome review.. hey I think I will post a link to the ROM tonight!!
Posted by: Jake at June 20, 2002 8:49 AM
I forgot one thing. I give this game a very stinky 2 out of 10. The only things that save it from being totally craptacular is that it had some potential, it is not a sports game, and the crotch daggers.
Posted by: BBQ at June 20, 2002 2:43 PM
Hi, i'm 27 i just get back my old NES and yes I still have Deadly Towers, remembering myself doing maps when I was younger...hummm painful..
It was so funny the way you describe the game...
good critics...
actually, I'm still wandering how I manage to finish this game...will I play it again?
I'll might keep it in my tomb so nobody gonna
play this game forever...
Cordially
Patrick
Posted by: Patrick Jolicoeur at November 24, 2002 11:07 PM
Whoa! Looks like someone has yet to jump off of the short bus. I
whole-heartly disagree with the review. Back when I was jammin'
on my Vic-20 (turbo edition) I got this cart and fell IN LOVE
with it. How could you not do so? The intrigue, deadly towers...hmmm
what could be in those towers....it sounds scarry; maybe even
frightening. But no...it was pure Joy.. its sad that people think
Zelda was hot, but now look at link...he/she...herm looks like
a Micheal Jackson / Alien clone....yeesh...long live the fine,
exceptional programming of the cart deadly towers.
Its too bad Zero Wing couldn't be this cool..
--Kindest Regards,
D.S.
Posted by: DoomStriker at December 4, 2002 7:48 PM
I liked the challenge to it at least. The concept was alright too I guess. It was pretty hard to beat, but I was like 10 at the time, so what would I know? The graphics weren't the best, but the control was ok. I laughed my ass off at the review. I love to read about my old games, good or bad.
Posted by: Matt at December 5, 2002 2:43 AM
I wonder why so many people are suddenly finding this post. Glad you liked the review, though. Even back in the day, I wasn't that impressed with the original Zelda either. I just remember the tremendous hype, then I rented it and I was like, "What's the big deal?" Come to think of it, Zelda was about the first action/RPG I ever remember seeing. But even if I wasn't nuts for Zelda, I did beat it and Zelda II, which is a lot further than my playing of Deadly Towers went. I gave this steaming pile of cow plop several chances but I could never enjoy it no matter how hard I tried.
Posted by: BBQ at December 6, 2002 1:33 AM
If you go to Google and do a search for "Deadly Towers" Your review is in the top five.
"Deadly Towers NES" in the top 4. and "Deadly Towers review" this post is number one for that.
Posted by: Jake at December 6, 2002 9:53 AM
Borderbund IS out of business now. Carmen Sandiego couldn't carry them forever. The company bankrupted itself publishing their last game, The Last Express on the PC. (which was actually pretty cool)
Posted by: InsaneDavid at January 9, 2003 7:41 PM
I guess I have to agree with most of what you write, except for your criticism of the game's music!! Deadly Towers has some of the best video game music ever. It's all medievely and adventurous and wierd. And yeah, the songs sort of sound similar(notably the song of the first sequence and um, one of the other early ones that is played), but I think they just employed variation on a theme. The music is what keeps me fascinated with the game.
Posted by: Elle at January 10, 2003 4:36 PM
Great! Now I am going to have to go play the game to remember what the music is like. DAMN YOU;)
Posted by: Jake at January 10, 2003 4:46 PM
Yeah, I rented this game and TRIED to like it. Of course I didn't. To make things worse than bad graphics/horrid control/LSD inspired enemies, you have hidden areas. I kept walking over invisible doors that took me who knows where. Playing this game made me want to do my home work.
Posted by: JK at July 23, 2003 9:40 PM
Very nice review. This was one of the first nes games I accquired as a kid, being one of those a little late in the game after a master system christmas. So my memories are an odd mix of nostalgia and frustration when I think back to this game. I was browsing through a dreamcast compilation and started playing it all over again, and this prompted me to look for any reviews...which led me to this great one. I couldn't agree more with pretty much everything you said here.
Posted by: Joe999 at September 13, 2003 10:06 PM
Thank you. Yes, this was one of those games that made me wonder what the purpose of the "Official Nintendo Seal of Quality" really was.
Posted by: BBQ at September 14, 2003 4:06 AM
I was 10, but I actually really enjoyed Deadly Towers. You can beat it very easily if you die once, then change the first two letters of the password they give you to EF or FE. You will start with the best of all items and one bell. The advantage of playing this way is that you don't have to deal with the stupid dungeons to GET these items. The entrances to them are invisible, and finding the exit is impossible. You WILL die trying to find your way out, and make no progress in doing so, so use this code to bypass all that junk and get straight to the towers.
I think you should re-review this game after you use this code. You'll actually be able to see some of the cooler aspects of it. I mean, for being programmed in 1986 it's quite elaborate. (This is Pre-Zelda, people!) No two rooms are identical, and the whole complex is built in a surreal manner. The music effectively adds to the mood of the game as well--a rarity before 16-bit.
Posted by: Graham Mitchell at November 23, 2003 1:13 PM
My friend bought this game when we were little. It was / is by far the stupidist game I have ever played in my entire life. I downloaded the rom a couple months ago thinking maybe I was just a kid and didn't understand how cool it really was. No. It really did suck that bad. Suckness confirmed.
Patrick
Posted by: Patrick Lavigna at April 2, 2004 11:29 AM
Waah. I'm a reviewer who can't deal with a game that has a little DIFFICULTY to it. I don't WANNA play a game for hours upon hours to learn how to beat it. I just want everything handed to me with a nice big fat strategy guide by Prima. You sir, are a moron. This game is one of the greatest games ever published for the NES .. "bad" graphics and all. The whole point of the gameplay being as "bad" as it was is to make it more difficult.. and if you were a more talented gamer rather than just a crap fanboy, you could beat it.
Posted by: Mike at May 9, 2004 7:46 PM
This is the worst game made in the 80s
Posted by: Jake of 8bitjoystick.com at May 10, 2004 11:15 AM
Wowzerz "Mike" I never said I can't deal with a game that has a little DIFFICULTY to it. I said that game sucked. Also I don't really consider myself a moron...I have a B.S. in Comp Sci and my IQ is "up there". Why are you so butt hurt? Did you work on this piece of crap game?
BAD GAMEPLAY NOT ONLY MAKES IT DIFFICULT, IT MAKES IT SUCK. I consider gameply to be the CRITICAL component of all the classic 8-bit games...Being that there wasn't great graphics and sound. To say "The whole point of the gameplay being as 'bad' as it was to make it more difficult" is complete B/S. Use your head Mike.
Posted by: Patrick Lavigna at June 9, 2004 4:44 PM
Hey, I KNOW that game is very hard. I've beat that game one time. Why not they make Deadly Towers in 3D?? 3D could be better than 2D. Deadly Towers 3d should be easy to play and understand where I am going.
Posted by: James at June 21, 2005 12:45 AM
Actually, the game is quite simple. It turns out that if you know that the dungeons are completely useless, the game takes less than 1 day to beat without cheating. I think it is still a horrible game, but it is a very easy game.
Posted by: Dean Vander Zanden at March 13, 2006 7:00 PM
Wow, with this newfound knowledge I think I will go back and spend an entire day playing this game!
Mike is a tard. I played Double Dragon in the arcade once when there was a broken joystick. You couldn't really move, all you could do was headbutt over and over, but I'm sure Mike would love how this new improvement added to the game's difficulty and enjoyability.
Posted by: BBQ at March 14, 2006 4:36 PM
I played this as a kid. Got half-way through. Hell, you think it's hard to start out? Once you've beaten three of the monsters, the enemeies get even nastier, you no longer start out with 50 golds (ludder, WHATEVER!) and Myer doesn't get any more powerful. It was tough back then, and it is tough now. I made it up to defeating SIX of the bosses, and guess what. It gets even harder. Horrific game. Great review, BBQ! I like your style
Posted by: Sadistic Towers at October 21, 2006 8:51 AM
Thanks for this review! I was just at a pawn shop and almost bought Deadly Towers because the name sounded cool. Fortunately, I had the wisdom to go home and read a review before forking over cash. Thanks again! You've saved me $6.
Posted by: RJC at April 9, 2007 4:21 PM
