After a quick circumcision of the controller(this is the process of opening it up and removing the "programming" button, which has the capacity to screw you up at the worst times), I plugged the beautiful new controller in the give it a test run. But hark! There was no response! It did not work at all! "What a piece of crap," I said and plugged in my trusty controller, Old Faithful, which has helped me deliver many a spinning piledriver.

But something was amiss...None of the buttons on Old Faithful seemed to work either! After trying several controllers and powering on and off a few times, I came to the conclusion that the controller port may be screwy. But there was no relief to be had; my beloved Dreamcast could no longer recognize any controller or VMU in any port, at any time. What had caused it? Little did I yet realize the depths of Jacob Metcalf's treachery.

Was this my fate? To shell out money for a new Dreamcast, now that the old one had inexplicably stopped working? And if this was to be the case, who could say that it would not happen again? I put on my detective hat and decided to do some online research.

It turns out that I am not the first one to encounter this problem. In fact, it seems to be a fairly common problem with Dreamcast owners, particularly those who use third-party accessories such as the Samba de Amigo maraccas and, in particular, arcade sticks. It seemed that the large Street Fighter-style arcade stick that Mr. Metcalf was so fond of may have been the cause.

The defect is caused by a faulty resistor on the controller port board of the Dreamcast. Apparently it blows itself up fairly easily, especially if controllers are yanked out while the game is on, or if a rabbit chews through the cord, or you use sketchy peripherals. It is rather easy to fix if you have mild knowledge of electronics. Fortunately, my secret identity is MacGyver.

Well, lucky for me and unforeseen by the wily Mr. Metcalf, there is a FAQ available online that details exactly which piece is the faulty one, and the Radio Shack part number. You can pick up five replacement resistors for less than a dollar. I also picked up a soldering iron and learned how to solder, something that is much cheaper and easier than I imagined.

After practicing my technique by soldering some wires and a thumb tack to an old useless memory card chip, I went to work replacing the faulty part of my once great Dreamcast. There were a few slight complications but before long I had done it! I eagerly plugged in the brand new shiny controller to at last give it a whirl! And it worked! For about three seconds! And then it died again! What was the problem? Out of curiosity I reached into the still-open Dreamcast and touched the new part, and to my surprise it was hotter than a red hot iron! You could grill eggs on it! I had found a new use for my Dreamcast: a skillet with which to cook bacon in the living room!

But I do not give up so easily. The FAQ had been vague on one point: exactly which way the new piece goes in. Since this is a new, less-likely-to-blow-up version, its colors were different and which wire to insert where was anyone's guess. So after some more de-soldering and re-soldering, I had a new resistor in place, the right way. So I plugged in Old Faithful, VMU-free, prayed, and pushed the power switch.

And blammo! It worked! I, and my magnificient MacGyver skills had saved the day! The Dreamcast was saved, and no $40 was to be spent on a new one. I then decided to finally try out that fancy new controller I had been waiting so long to try. And guess what...It didn't work! And what's more, it once again caused my newly-soldered-in resistor to soar to extreme fire-hazard temperatures!

So you see, boys and girls, it was the demon controller from the Dark Realm that started it all. It is purely and simply evil. It is the evilest of controllers; the Devil's controller. Beware the wrath of Jacob Metcalf. His mind burns with a malevolent madness that is too deadly for you to imagine. And into this controller he poured all of his cruelty and malice, and he created the One controller to rule them all. He may have won this battle, but the war will be mine. For more on Mr. Metcalf's evil schemes, please read Jacob Metcalf's Secret Plot.

Catastrophe was narrowly averted, and my beloved Dreamcast functions yet again, with one minor loss: no more vibration. But in all other respects it works perfectly and does not break, even when connected to the evil controller. And I did find a use for the evil controller from hell: I removed its untarnished back cover and trigger to replace the less-than-perfect parts on Old Faithful. One can only hope that the curse does not live on in the cold plastic shell of that vile creation. And after it all, Signs is still pretty good.